Baelin's Birth Story
On April 16, 2004, around 4:30am, I woke up for one of my many middle-of-the-nite trips to the bathroom and noticed after I laid down that I may have been having a mild contraction. I was about 10 days past my "official" due date and anxious to get things rolling. I forced myself to go back to sleep (lesson learned after my first labor in which I only got 2 hours of sleep because I was too excited) and woke again about an hour later to go to the bathroom again...and again some more mild contractions...I managed to sleep until about 7:30am, at which point the pain in my hips normally got me out of bed anyway, and I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed I had lost my mucous plug...went back to bed to tell Adam and we talked for a little, then I got up and puttered around the kitchen a little. While standing at the kitchen sink washing a couple dishes, I felt a definite trickle that I remembered from my water breaking with Maeven's labor, and rushed to the bathroom. I knew at this point it was definitely starting...This was just a little before 8am...I called my midwife and while I was discussing with her if my water had truly broken or if it was just the extra fluid around the outside of the sack (something that was totally new to me, I didn't even know that there was extra fluid on the outside!) I had a very large, unmistakable GUSH, and there was no denying that was my waters breaking. I was getting excited but also trying to stay calm and relaxed to conserve energy for the hard work ahead. If this labor went anything like my labor with Maeven, it would be many hours, maybe even days before we got to meet our baby. Jacque (midwife) told me to rest, eat, and count baby movements. So that's what I did.
Adam and Maeven (3.5yrs) were up and excited by this point and Maeven was talking about meeting the new baby. I don't even really remember much about the rest of that morning except that I tried really hard to sit and rest as much as possible...drink red raspberry leaf tea and just veg out, watch tv and write in my journal. According to my journal, around 2pm my contractions had picked up and were hurting and I was having to focus more on breathing through them...though still hungry and still able to talk through them for the most part. I'm not sure how much longer it was when labor was full tilt...but I do remember it was getting harder to concentrate with Maeven there, so we called my parents to come take her...I think they came about 3 or so? It was a relief to not have to worry about Maeven anymore.
I don't recall exactly when Jacque got there either, but I think it was a couple hours later. I remember that by that point I was laboring in my bed and I don't think I was able to talk through contractions anymore. Adam thinks it was around 5 or 6 when Jacque got here. Rhonda, my doula & dear friend, was unable to make it til after dinner, a couple more hours...I think it was around 8pm...by that point I was feeling like I didn't want to be doing the whole labor thing anymore. I distinctly remember feeling very overwhelmed with the intensity of contractions and pain. "I'm NEVER doing this again!" was a very frequent statement from me.
I had a hard time waiting to get in my birthing pool...Adam had blown it up but we didn't have a hose to fill it (needed a water bed hose because its designed for hot water) because Chanah (2nd midwife) was bringing it and she was at another birth. So we had to have my folks buy one...and they misunderstood the first time and just brought an adaptor for the faucet, not the hose...finally got the hose and started filling the pool but I couldn't get in yet because I wasn't dialated enough. Jacque said I needed to be more dialated and in active labor before I could get in. Felt like active labor to me!! Oh that was SO HARD TO WAIT! I ended up in the shower and that helped. But then I had used up all the hot water and the pool had cooled off, so when she finally said I could get in the pool, it wasn't real warm anymore...Adam was running back and forth with pots of hot water from the stove. All the while trying to be there for me to grab onto during contractions. What a trooper.
Its all a blur exactly how everything happened, but I recall Roger, my chiropractor, getting there at some point to do my massage. They tell me it was around 9pm. Jacque told me later I was only about 3 or 4 cm when he got there. I remember that I was really losing heart and kept saying how I didn't want to do this anymore...it was so hard and I just thought it would never end. At one point I looked at Rhonda and said "You did this 6 times?????" LOL. But at some point in the pool I really buckled down and figured out how to focus on my abdominal muscles and relax them while grabbing hard to Adam's shirt. It worked for me and took every ounce of energy and strength I had to relax those muscles through contractions...but it definitely made the pain more tolerable. In between contractions I never really got a break, though...my uterus was basically in constant pain and my contractions were so close together for basically the whole labor. I barely had time to breathe when another would hit me. Adam thought my contractions were milder in the water...they weren't, I just had figured out how to focus to relax the muscles and it took so much energy that I didn't have the ability to moan during them, only breathe hard.
After Roger did my massage, he said he had relaxed my back spasm and my hip spasms...at the time I didn't think it affected my labor any, but I did enjoy it and it did make my back feel better. Later, Jacque told me that I had only been 3 or 4 cm when he got there, and within an hour after he was done I was feeling like pushing and was about an 8 or 9! She says she wants him at all her births now! I tell you what, I'll have him come earlier next time!!
In the pool again I was trying to figure out what my body was doing because I noticed I was having a harder time sitting still...I was rocking from side to side where I had been basically still before, not being able to bear moving...and then my uterus was starting to push...took me a couple times to figure out that's what was happening...I never got to push at all with Maeven...plus was on an epidural by that point so didn't feel anything at the end. I figured later that was transition (the shifting around)...but at the time I just knew things felt different. I told Rhonda I felt like pushing and she shouted for Jacque, in the other room. Jacque came and checked me and said I had a cervical lip (same as with Maeven), and said I needed to breathe through pushing contractions because I would swell my cervix up if I pushed at that point. After a bit, she suggested I get out of the water and she'd help push the lip back for me so I could push...so we did that for awhile and it finally worked. I didn't know what was going on at that point, I just was so overwhelmed with all the feelings and pooped out from working so hard that I was begging for it to be over. Felt like an eternity to me and every time she had me move it hurt like hell and I fought to stay still but to no avail, because she insisted I try different positions...I know now that that was what helped, but at the time I just didn't want to move! I finally got to push and I pushed in all different positions...sitting, squatting, standing, all fours, everywhere I was, walking down the hallway to get to the bathroom...I pushed all over the darn house! (Vomited alot too, ugh...that's the worst feeling in the world, vomiting while having a strong contraction...YIKES!)
During pushing, Jacque noticed the baby's heartrate descellerating, but it kept coming back up afterwards so everything seemed normal. Good strong heartbeat the entire labor and most of the pushing...I headed to the shower because I wasn't using the pool anymore...and when the hot water ran out I headed to the bedroom again...Pushed in a couple positions on the bed, including squatting, and ended up sitting with Adam behind me. It was almost over and I was finally feeling like I could make this happen...we had decided not to call Maeven to come watch because I had had such a hard time and didn't want her to see that...so it was just Adam and I and Jacque and Rhonda...Chanah finally got there about 30min before Baelin was born. Her birth took longer than any of us anticipated and because she hadn't been there sooner I didn't get my iv antibiotics for strep B, but Rhonda did run and get oral antibiotics for me and I had had 2 doses.
In the bedroom I was on oxygen because I was having a hard time breathing properly (they had to keep talking me through breathing in through my nose, out through my mouth as I kept wanting to pant)...and this was where Baelin started to concern them. His heart was dropping and not coming back up the way they wanted. Talking to Jacque later she said things were all happening so fast at that point and every push I made was bringing him down quite a lot that she was worried if we transported at that point that she would have to catch in the car and that could have a whole 'nother set of problems...plus she said if we had called the ambulance at that point the paramedics probably wouldn't have transported me at that point either because of how close it was. I do remember right at the end, though, that she got very stern with me to push harder and I had to get that baby out pretty quick or else we were going to have to transport. Chanah was also very forceful in not letting me take my oxygen mask off...which was starting to make me feel claustrophobic. But the energy in those last 10-15min of pushing was so stressed and I trust those women so implicitly that I obeyed and did what had to be done to get that baby out, fast! Just minutes before he came out Jacque got a really good heart reading on the monitor after a couple minutes of terror as they couldn't find anything (since my contractions were so close together and she couldn't get anything when I was pushing, I think)...one really great reading that she held the monitor up and we all heard it with sighs of relief...then back to work on getting him out...just minutes to go...
They could see his head and I was really getting good at pushing and feeling his head coming out was enough to give me the burst of energy I needed to finish the job. I touched his head a couple times and it was so amazing to feel I was doing it!! Then his head was out and they said his color looked good. A couple more pushes and his shoulders came and he slid the rest of the way out and wow did that feel better!
But then came the scary and sad part. He was not breathing...everything was spinning and they worked so hard on him and I just didn't feel like I was part of my body anymore. I kept saying "Breathe, Baby, Breathe!!" at some point we thought to look and see that he was a boy, and all the while Jacque and Chanah are frantically rubbing him and turning him and doing CPR on him...and our hearts are sinking lower and lower as time clicked achingly by. About 2 min into this, Rhonda called 9-1-1 and within about 5 more minutes, my house is suddenly full of paramedics and cops. I think there must have been 6 to 8 extra people in my bedroom, literally. (Adam told me later there were several cop cars and 2 ambulances outside. I guess the cops got there first.) They stood and watched awhile while Jacque and Chanah continued CPR. Then the paramedics took over and all I could do is sit there and watch. My baby inches from me, right where he had landed when he came out, between my legs, still connected to me by his umbilical cord. Adam was behind me crying and I just was reeling in shock and disbelief....I really didn't feel like this was happening...It couldn't be happening...but it was taking too long and I knew that. By the time the paramedics were working on him, there had been no heartbeat, no breath, for about 8-10min. I don't know how many more minutes went by, but at some point Jacque cut the cord and they intubated him and bagged him and rushed him out to a waiting ambulance....someone threw a sheet over me and then Jacque tried to help me deliver the placenta, but it wasn't coming out. They took me out of my house on a gurney and into another ambulance...there were cops everywhere...my whole neighborhood seemed lit up. It was a little after 2am on April 17, 2004.
They took me in the ambulance and Rhonda went with me. They tried to get me to push the placenta out but I couldn't and I nearly passed out the couple of times I tried. I just kept telling them "do NOT pull it out!!!!" I knew that would hurt like hell. This kind of distracted me from thinking about what was happening with Baelin. And that whole time I really was thinking that he would be ok. They always get the babies breathing again on tv! Stupid tv thought, but I really thought they'd bring him back. I couldn't imagine them not.
We got to St Agnes and Adam was in the hallway (he had gone with the baby in the ambulance) and I knew by the look on his face that our baby was dead. I immediately started to cry.
This couldn't be happening! We did everything right!! We had him at home so he would have the safe, nonviolent birth that his sister did not get. I didn't want another child of mine going through what Maeven went through. I didn't want another birth to end in the sadness and the hole in my heart that was left after the long, unnecessarily interventive birth of my first child. I wanted to be the one to give birth, not have my child cut from me because of "failure to progress" (which really was "failure to be patient", in our case), and I knew the best chance for this would be at home...I wanted a beautiful birth experience this time, for both me and the baby...THIS NIGHTMARE IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO AVOID by having Baelin at home, where I felt safe and I knew labor could progress naturally and without the stress of the many strange and sometimes uncaring and rude people that you have to deal with in a hospital birth. Away from the assembly line birthing environment...where I and my child are real people and not numbers....I surrounded myself with the knowledge and trust that my body knew what to do and brought people into my home that I trusted completely (and still do) to help me bring this baby into the world without the trauma I had experienced before.
But it all went terribly wrong when Baelin didn't breathe. He never tried to. He never moved, he never opened his eyes, he never cried, he never suckled at my breast...his heart stopped beating at some point while he was being born and never started again no matter what they did.
We don't know why Baelin died. We may never know. We have had an autopsy performed and we are waiting for the results. The initial thing they've noticed from an xray is that Baelin may have had a rare genetic bone disorder called osteopetrosis. This may or may not have caused his stillbirth. When we hear the final results from the tests, I will update this information.
For now, we just don't know. And here I am 3wks later and still numb and reeling...and sad and angry...How could this happen to us? Would it have been different if we had done this in the hospital? We don't know. I do know that I never would have consented to a scheduled c-section. No way in HELL. Not without any reason. I would never have consented to being butchered again...nor put another child through the torture of those brutal hospital procedures. And we had no reason to schedule a c-section. He was fine. I was fine. We were fine all the way through labor...it was only at the very end that we had any inkling of a problem. At that point would it have been different in the hospital? I don't know. Had they scheduled an emergency c-section at that point, it would have taken time to assemble the team to do it. By that point I may have been pushing him out. Or maybe he would have died coming out by c-section...or maybe he wouldn't have. I don't know that it would have been any different...I can't help but wonder. But I am trying to not drive myself crazy with what-ifs.
Something went wrong. We don't know what...but something went terribly wrong because babies are designed to survive birth. And most babies do. So regardless of whether we find out what was wrong, there was definitely something wrong with Baelin. Whether or not he would have survived had we birthed in the hospital we will probably never know. But we did all we could with the knowledge and experience that we collectively did at the time. And I can't help but hope we do find out that there was some reason like this rare bone disorder that caused this...something that will give us an answer to the "WHY GOD?????"
I still feel strongly about homebirth. I still feel that its a safe thing...for god's sake people have been doing it since the beginning of time! Birth is not a dangerous thing! Unfortunately there are cases when things just happen and very unfortunately we happened to be one of the unlucky families I guess.
I don't know if we'll have another homebirth from this point on...Its too soon to make that decision. But this really sucks now because now I don't feel safe anywhere. Not that there are any guarantees anywhere. But man does this suck bigtime.
Adam and Maeven (3.5yrs) were up and excited by this point and Maeven was talking about meeting the new baby. I don't even really remember much about the rest of that morning except that I tried really hard to sit and rest as much as possible...drink red raspberry leaf tea and just veg out, watch tv and write in my journal. According to my journal, around 2pm my contractions had picked up and were hurting and I was having to focus more on breathing through them...though still hungry and still able to talk through them for the most part. I'm not sure how much longer it was when labor was full tilt...but I do remember it was getting harder to concentrate with Maeven there, so we called my parents to come take her...I think they came about 3 or so? It was a relief to not have to worry about Maeven anymore.
I don't recall exactly when Jacque got there either, but I think it was a couple hours later. I remember that by that point I was laboring in my bed and I don't think I was able to talk through contractions anymore. Adam thinks it was around 5 or 6 when Jacque got here. Rhonda, my doula & dear friend, was unable to make it til after dinner, a couple more hours...I think it was around 8pm...by that point I was feeling like I didn't want to be doing the whole labor thing anymore. I distinctly remember feeling very overwhelmed with the intensity of contractions and pain. "I'm NEVER doing this again!" was a very frequent statement from me.
I had a hard time waiting to get in my birthing pool...Adam had blown it up but we didn't have a hose to fill it (needed a water bed hose because its designed for hot water) because Chanah (2nd midwife) was bringing it and she was at another birth. So we had to have my folks buy one...and they misunderstood the first time and just brought an adaptor for the faucet, not the hose...finally got the hose and started filling the pool but I couldn't get in yet because I wasn't dialated enough. Jacque said I needed to be more dialated and in active labor before I could get in. Felt like active labor to me!! Oh that was SO HARD TO WAIT! I ended up in the shower and that helped. But then I had used up all the hot water and the pool had cooled off, so when she finally said I could get in the pool, it wasn't real warm anymore...Adam was running back and forth with pots of hot water from the stove. All the while trying to be there for me to grab onto during contractions. What a trooper.
Its all a blur exactly how everything happened, but I recall Roger, my chiropractor, getting there at some point to do my massage. They tell me it was around 9pm. Jacque told me later I was only about 3 or 4 cm when he got there. I remember that I was really losing heart and kept saying how I didn't want to do this anymore...it was so hard and I just thought it would never end. At one point I looked at Rhonda and said "You did this 6 times?????" LOL. But at some point in the pool I really buckled down and figured out how to focus on my abdominal muscles and relax them while grabbing hard to Adam's shirt. It worked for me and took every ounce of energy and strength I had to relax those muscles through contractions...but it definitely made the pain more tolerable. In between contractions I never really got a break, though...my uterus was basically in constant pain and my contractions were so close together for basically the whole labor. I barely had time to breathe when another would hit me. Adam thought my contractions were milder in the water...they weren't, I just had figured out how to focus to relax the muscles and it took so much energy that I didn't have the ability to moan during them, only breathe hard.
After Roger did my massage, he said he had relaxed my back spasm and my hip spasms...at the time I didn't think it affected my labor any, but I did enjoy it and it did make my back feel better. Later, Jacque told me that I had only been 3 or 4 cm when he got there, and within an hour after he was done I was feeling like pushing and was about an 8 or 9! She says she wants him at all her births now! I tell you what, I'll have him come earlier next time!!
In the pool again I was trying to figure out what my body was doing because I noticed I was having a harder time sitting still...I was rocking from side to side where I had been basically still before, not being able to bear moving...and then my uterus was starting to push...took me a couple times to figure out that's what was happening...I never got to push at all with Maeven...plus was on an epidural by that point so didn't feel anything at the end. I figured later that was transition (the shifting around)...but at the time I just knew things felt different. I told Rhonda I felt like pushing and she shouted for Jacque, in the other room. Jacque came and checked me and said I had a cervical lip (same as with Maeven), and said I needed to breathe through pushing contractions because I would swell my cervix up if I pushed at that point. After a bit, she suggested I get out of the water and she'd help push the lip back for me so I could push...so we did that for awhile and it finally worked. I didn't know what was going on at that point, I just was so overwhelmed with all the feelings and pooped out from working so hard that I was begging for it to be over. Felt like an eternity to me and every time she had me move it hurt like hell and I fought to stay still but to no avail, because she insisted I try different positions...I know now that that was what helped, but at the time I just didn't want to move! I finally got to push and I pushed in all different positions...sitting, squatting, standing, all fours, everywhere I was, walking down the hallway to get to the bathroom...I pushed all over the darn house! (Vomited alot too, ugh...that's the worst feeling in the world, vomiting while having a strong contraction...YIKES!)
During pushing, Jacque noticed the baby's heartrate descellerating, but it kept coming back up afterwards so everything seemed normal. Good strong heartbeat the entire labor and most of the pushing...I headed to the shower because I wasn't using the pool anymore...and when the hot water ran out I headed to the bedroom again...Pushed in a couple positions on the bed, including squatting, and ended up sitting with Adam behind me. It was almost over and I was finally feeling like I could make this happen...we had decided not to call Maeven to come watch because I had had such a hard time and didn't want her to see that...so it was just Adam and I and Jacque and Rhonda...Chanah finally got there about 30min before Baelin was born. Her birth took longer than any of us anticipated and because she hadn't been there sooner I didn't get my iv antibiotics for strep B, but Rhonda did run and get oral antibiotics for me and I had had 2 doses.
In the bedroom I was on oxygen because I was having a hard time breathing properly (they had to keep talking me through breathing in through my nose, out through my mouth as I kept wanting to pant)...and this was where Baelin started to concern them. His heart was dropping and not coming back up the way they wanted. Talking to Jacque later she said things were all happening so fast at that point and every push I made was bringing him down quite a lot that she was worried if we transported at that point that she would have to catch in the car and that could have a whole 'nother set of problems...plus she said if we had called the ambulance at that point the paramedics probably wouldn't have transported me at that point either because of how close it was. I do remember right at the end, though, that she got very stern with me to push harder and I had to get that baby out pretty quick or else we were going to have to transport. Chanah was also very forceful in not letting me take my oxygen mask off...which was starting to make me feel claustrophobic. But the energy in those last 10-15min of pushing was so stressed and I trust those women so implicitly that I obeyed and did what had to be done to get that baby out, fast! Just minutes before he came out Jacque got a really good heart reading on the monitor after a couple minutes of terror as they couldn't find anything (since my contractions were so close together and she couldn't get anything when I was pushing, I think)...one really great reading that she held the monitor up and we all heard it with sighs of relief...then back to work on getting him out...just minutes to go...
They could see his head and I was really getting good at pushing and feeling his head coming out was enough to give me the burst of energy I needed to finish the job. I touched his head a couple times and it was so amazing to feel I was doing it!! Then his head was out and they said his color looked good. A couple more pushes and his shoulders came and he slid the rest of the way out and wow did that feel better!
But then came the scary and sad part. He was not breathing...everything was spinning and they worked so hard on him and I just didn't feel like I was part of my body anymore. I kept saying "Breathe, Baby, Breathe!!" at some point we thought to look and see that he was a boy, and all the while Jacque and Chanah are frantically rubbing him and turning him and doing CPR on him...and our hearts are sinking lower and lower as time clicked achingly by. About 2 min into this, Rhonda called 9-1-1 and within about 5 more minutes, my house is suddenly full of paramedics and cops. I think there must have been 6 to 8 extra people in my bedroom, literally. (Adam told me later there were several cop cars and 2 ambulances outside. I guess the cops got there first.) They stood and watched awhile while Jacque and Chanah continued CPR. Then the paramedics took over and all I could do is sit there and watch. My baby inches from me, right where he had landed when he came out, between my legs, still connected to me by his umbilical cord. Adam was behind me crying and I just was reeling in shock and disbelief....I really didn't feel like this was happening...It couldn't be happening...but it was taking too long and I knew that. By the time the paramedics were working on him, there had been no heartbeat, no breath, for about 8-10min. I don't know how many more minutes went by, but at some point Jacque cut the cord and they intubated him and bagged him and rushed him out to a waiting ambulance....someone threw a sheet over me and then Jacque tried to help me deliver the placenta, but it wasn't coming out. They took me out of my house on a gurney and into another ambulance...there were cops everywhere...my whole neighborhood seemed lit up. It was a little after 2am on April 17, 2004.
They took me in the ambulance and Rhonda went with me. They tried to get me to push the placenta out but I couldn't and I nearly passed out the couple of times I tried. I just kept telling them "do NOT pull it out!!!!" I knew that would hurt like hell. This kind of distracted me from thinking about what was happening with Baelin. And that whole time I really was thinking that he would be ok. They always get the babies breathing again on tv! Stupid tv thought, but I really thought they'd bring him back. I couldn't imagine them not.
We got to St Agnes and Adam was in the hallway (he had gone with the baby in the ambulance) and I knew by the look on his face that our baby was dead. I immediately started to cry.
This couldn't be happening! We did everything right!! We had him at home so he would have the safe, nonviolent birth that his sister did not get. I didn't want another child of mine going through what Maeven went through. I didn't want another birth to end in the sadness and the hole in my heart that was left after the long, unnecessarily interventive birth of my first child. I wanted to be the one to give birth, not have my child cut from me because of "failure to progress" (which really was "failure to be patient", in our case), and I knew the best chance for this would be at home...I wanted a beautiful birth experience this time, for both me and the baby...THIS NIGHTMARE IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO AVOID by having Baelin at home, where I felt safe and I knew labor could progress naturally and without the stress of the many strange and sometimes uncaring and rude people that you have to deal with in a hospital birth. Away from the assembly line birthing environment...where I and my child are real people and not numbers....I surrounded myself with the knowledge and trust that my body knew what to do and brought people into my home that I trusted completely (and still do) to help me bring this baby into the world without the trauma I had experienced before.
But it all went terribly wrong when Baelin didn't breathe. He never tried to. He never moved, he never opened his eyes, he never cried, he never suckled at my breast...his heart stopped beating at some point while he was being born and never started again no matter what they did.
We don't know why Baelin died. We may never know. We have had an autopsy performed and we are waiting for the results. The initial thing they've noticed from an xray is that Baelin may have had a rare genetic bone disorder called osteopetrosis. This may or may not have caused his stillbirth. When we hear the final results from the tests, I will update this information.
For now, we just don't know. And here I am 3wks later and still numb and reeling...and sad and angry...How could this happen to us? Would it have been different if we had done this in the hospital? We don't know. I do know that I never would have consented to a scheduled c-section. No way in HELL. Not without any reason. I would never have consented to being butchered again...nor put another child through the torture of those brutal hospital procedures. And we had no reason to schedule a c-section. He was fine. I was fine. We were fine all the way through labor...it was only at the very end that we had any inkling of a problem. At that point would it have been different in the hospital? I don't know. Had they scheduled an emergency c-section at that point, it would have taken time to assemble the team to do it. By that point I may have been pushing him out. Or maybe he would have died coming out by c-section...or maybe he wouldn't have. I don't know that it would have been any different...I can't help but wonder. But I am trying to not drive myself crazy with what-ifs.
Something went wrong. We don't know what...but something went terribly wrong because babies are designed to survive birth. And most babies do. So regardless of whether we find out what was wrong, there was definitely something wrong with Baelin. Whether or not he would have survived had we birthed in the hospital we will probably never know. But we did all we could with the knowledge and experience that we collectively did at the time. And I can't help but hope we do find out that there was some reason like this rare bone disorder that caused this...something that will give us an answer to the "WHY GOD?????"
I still feel strongly about homebirth. I still feel that its a safe thing...for god's sake people have been doing it since the beginning of time! Birth is not a dangerous thing! Unfortunately there are cases when things just happen and very unfortunately we happened to be one of the unlucky families I guess.
I don't know if we'll have another homebirth from this point on...Its too soon to make that decision. But this really sucks now because now I don't feel safe anywhere. Not that there are any guarantees anywhere. But man does this suck bigtime.
posted by Tina at 1:17 AM
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