A devastating ending to a hellish week

This is going to be long...because I am in dire need of something, anything, to make sense of what's just happened.

The coroner was wrong.

Adam and I met with the geneticist today and she looked at Baelin's xrays and took them to a pediatric pathologist and they both said that Baelin looked perfectly normal. He did not have any indication of osteopetrosis and his bones were normal.

So we're back to square one. Not knowing why our baby died.

Someone catch me please, I'm falling.

Dr. Curry, the geneticist, says that coroners are trained to deal with adults, not infants. She said the xrays were not clear and the coroner misread them. She said his bones were normal, and his skull did not "crush" until AFTER he died...that that is what happens to babies that die right after being born. Their skulls collapse. She said that it had nothing to do with his birth and everything to do with the amount of time from his death til they took him to the coroner where the xrays were done. The longer the time, the more "crushed" it would look. Someone who knows infant pathology would know this and obviously the coroner did not.

What does this mean? On the bright side, this means that I do not have to worry about a "rare genetic bone disorder" for the baby I'm now carrying. Oh, I'm pregnant again. 10.5wks...due early July. Its going to be a bumpy ride.

But is this something that comforts me right now? Very little.

What this means to me right now is that my whole world has just been ripped apart, yet again....It means that the answer to our son's death which had comforted me so much and given me an ANSWER to the "WHY???" of his death, has been taken from me.

And its highly likely we'll never know why he died.--Dr. Curry is going to look for the records about the placenta, if they exist and what they say, but doesn't really expect to find anything that will give us any answers. She feels this will probably go unanswered. There has been NOTHING that has given them any indication of why he died.

As the doctor was relaying this information to us and it was sinking in what she was saying...I could feel my whole world shattering again into a million pieces.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

This week has been a living hell. This YEAR has been a living hell. But this week has been beyond belief. I've been crying more this week than I have since Baelin died.

It started with the realization of just how overwhelming the holidays are to me now. I dreaded Thanksgiving. As we drove down to Adam's mom's house I could feel my sense of dread and sadness growing to epic proportions. When we drove up and parked in her driveway, my parents and brother parked just behind us and everyone preparing to unload and go in...Adam noticed the look on my face and asked what was wrong....I said....

"He's supposed to be here."

and started to choke back my tears...I wanted to be alone with my grief, but instead I had to immediately choke it all back and swallow it all down because I really can't cry in front of people I don't feel close with. Its hard enough in front of those I AM close with. Adam is probably the only one I feel truly comfortable crying in front of...and Maeven. And Adam couldn't even respond at that moment the way he normally does. Instead, my feelings got brushed aside as we all went in to do the family thing. It was just bad timing. Too bad grief doesn't understand timing.

So I sucked it up, put on a sorta neutral face (I am not very good at fake happiness, but I did manage to distract myself eventually) and did the chaos of a large family holiday that used to be something I thoroughly enjoyed...something I looked forward to after the small, peaceful holidays my small family always had growing up....it used to be exciting, the craziness of it all, with all those people...marrying into a large family, you get large holidays....But this year this chaos makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Its a feeling that is so completely overwhelming that its hard to put into words...but its completely enveloping me this holiday season. Making my world black and lifeless and fills me with dread. I just want to grieve my son. I'm not done yet.

I feel my personality irrevocably changed since Baelin's death...Who am I now? I don't even know anymore. I'm a stranger to myself.

So, early this week, after seeing Xmas commercial after Xmas commercial on tv...it occurred to me that xmas was coming (duh!)...and what that meant. Thanksgiving times 4. I don't even really know what brought this realization on...I'm sure hormones had much to do with it...I've been deeply depressed lately...but I found myself reduced to a hysterical crying mess sobbing out to Adam how I just canNOT do the Xmas marathon and chaos this year! There's something about the holidays that brings grief on hard and strong...in realizing this was supposed to be Baelin's first Christmas, and feeling that deep, profound sense of someone missing...Its like someone hit rewind and I'm right back where I started with my grief...back to that sharp, deep, mind-numbing pain...back full force...and it is only compounded for me by knowing I would have to be suffering these feelings in a room full of people I do not feel comfortable sharing with. Which makes me feel all alone.

I don't want to have to put on a stupid fake face and try to pretend to be happy. And I don't want to ruin everyone else's holiday. I don't want to be the one who takes the son and brother and uncle and grandchild and cousin and niece away from the family for the holidays and makes everyone feel hostile towards me...but what I'm feeling right now is so deep and so intense that it has every fiber in my being wanting to be only where I feel safe and comforted...and only with the 2 most important people in the world to me (Adam & Maeven). I need to be where I can cry if I need to cry.

Yes, I'm having a pity party, yes I'm wallowing in it and no, I don't care if that's wrong or not. It is what it is and this is where I'm at and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone tell me I'm wrong for feeling what I'm feeling. My baby is dead. And I will move on...but right now I need to feel my pain and work through this in my own way.

I'm the mommy, dammitt. Mommies feel deeper for their children then anyone else on the planet.

I don't even want to do Christmas with MY family this year. Right now I just want to be alone with Adam and Maeven. That's all I have the strength to deal with right now.

I told Adam what it feels like to be reeling from this pain in a room full of people that I cannot open up to...totally alone. Made all the worse because no one talks about my baby. No one says his name, no one talks about him. Its like it never happened. I know they haven't forgotten, but still they don't talk about him.

But then, I don't know how they would talk about it, with me at least...Its not like I really expect any of them to talk to me about it either...But its just so strikingly missing when not talked about. And it makes me feel even more alone. I brought this up at my AngelBabies group counseling session and one of the moms said that when no one talks about her baby that it feels like those commercials where one person is standing at a train station or something, perfectly still, and all the masses of people going by are in fast motion, just whizzing by. That's exactly it. Totally alone with the whole world just whizzing by, forgetting all about you...forgetting your baby.

He was real. He was mine. He was beautiful. So beautiful, so perfect.

HE WAS REAL!

And don't ask me why I'm sad! HOW can you ask me? WHY am I sad? Why do you have to ask?

Other people are grieving too? Let me tell you something.... I ----- DON'T --------- CARE!!!!!!!!! I really don't. Other people may grieve, but other people were not his mommy. Other people did not feel him grow inside them. Other people did not feel his kicks and stretches. Other people did not labor hard for him, puke their gutts out during hard contractions, nor push him out of them for hours, with all the strength within them and feel the top of his beautiful little squishy head and feel his precious little body slide out...Other people are not his mommy!!!

Other people may very well be grieving...but how can you even think of asking me to think of other people right now?

I have too much going on within me right now...I barely have the strength to cope with my own feelings. It takes all I have within me to keep it together for myself, my daughter and my husband. Please don't expect me to also think of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins....its not going to happen.

This week has been a living hell. I am sinking deeper and deeper and I don't even think I've hit bottom yet...Apparently I still have a lot to feel. I need to be around people that I feel close enough to to share my feelings...not people I SHOULD feel close to. If it wasn't there before, its not happening now. Not now.

If you are one I am not close with.... leave me alone, but don't forget about me.

Ask me how I'm doing, but don't expect me to open up to you. I just appreciate you asking.
But be prepared if I do feel like telling you how I'm feeling.
Confusing? You betcha.

I'm all over the place tonite with my thoughts...forgive me. I had this overwhelming drive tonite to get all this out...I don't know how coherent its going to sound, but its what I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out and I need others to know.

I'm so angry. So hurt. So LOST. So alone. So sad.

And yet, I am surrounded by so many people that make me also feel so loved and cared for. How can this be? How can I feel so lost and yet so cared for?

This week has been hell. Starting with my panic over the holidays, ending in the world shattering news that we are back to not knowing WHY???? And all the crying in between.

Will I ever be happy again? Lordy I hope so.

Bear with me...I'm still deep within my grief. I guess I'm right where I need to be. I'm amazed at the depth of it all. I thought I'd felt sorrow before. I hadn't.

Its like being in an ocean storm...bobbing around in the waves and choking and drowning sometimes, and coming to the surface for air sometimes...up and down, up and down. Oh I'm so tired.

But I will make it through this...I know I will...just let me grieve.

Please...don't be frustrated with me, don't feel sorry for me, don't try to fix it, don't give me any words of wisdom, don't give me guilt-inducing comments that imply I am being selfish thinking only of my feelings, don't be angry with me for needing to have my husband and daughter to myself. Just let me feel what I'm feeling.

I just need a soft place to fall right now. A safe place.

I just need to be where I am.

I will work through this...I just need time.

Leave me alone, but don't forget me.

And don't go too far.