Another update
I wrote the last entry on a Friday, and by Sunday I felt back to "normal" again. Thank heavens. Apparently that was just a horrific week for me, emotionally. I just wasn't coping very well. Writing about it here really helped me get it out and move on again. And now, here I am only a few days before Xmas and even though I wouldn't say that I'm joyful over the holiday, I do feel pretty calm and actually looking forward to some of the aspects of the holiday...mainly seeing Maeven and Adam open their gifts.
We had been talking about skipping our huge family Xmas and just going to the mountains to get away from everything and celebrate just the 3 of us, taking Maeven to the snow for the first time...but decided against that...originally for monetary reasons, but then at the last minute Adam talked to his boss and he said he'd pay for us to go...but I really wasn't feeling that gut wrenching feeling of not being able to cope with all the people on Xmas anymore...and Adam was back to wanting to be with his family. I went round and round for awhile, resenting the decision being on my shoulders and feeling the bad guy for threatening to break up the family...but then it just wasn't an issue anymore. I just didn't care so much anymore, so we came to a compromise which I feel pretty good about now. We're having people over here, to our house, this year. Usually we do his dad Xmas eve, then my dad's Xmas eve church service...then Xmas day we open our presents here and then run to my folks' house to open gifts with them and my brother, then down to Adam's mom's (30min away) to do the rest of his family....quite a marathon and I still don't feel up to all that this year...so it was a nice compromise to stay here and have anyone who wants to see us come here.
I'm still a bit stressed about getting the house ready and not entirely looking forward to all the numbers of people being here...but at the same time i'm very comforted to be in my own home and I know that I can just go into my bedroom or office to get away from it all if I need to. And I don't want to deprive Adam or Maeven of this.
As far as missing Baelin...it hasn't been first and foremost recently...probably because I've simply been too dang busy getting ready for the holiday...but I know its possible I might crash again soon, so I'm just allowing myself to realize that and just going to let whatever flow, flow. If it happens when Adam's family is here, I'll probably just go into another room and cry by myself and that will probably make me feel better. It usually does. Or I might come and write something here or in my journal. Writing always helps me.
Now, we are still going away, but we are doing it the day AFTER Xmas now. Adam's boss was so super kind and after I spent hours on the net yesterday trying to find a cabin or hotel room available at Shaver Lake for Sunday, Dec 27 (had one rude travel agent actually LAUGH at me when I asked...argh!) I finally found one that was available...we really lucked out! So we are going up there the day after Xmas, playing in the snow, staying the night, playing in the snow some more the next day, and then coming home. Its really something I'm looking forward to!
Now for Xmas here...we've done a few things to include Baelin...When Adam was putting up the lights, he strung them all around Baelin's little area on the hutch by the tree, where we have his momentos and pictures...he really wanted to include him in the decorations and it looks very pretty. We also recently made ceramic ornaments in memory of Baelin with our AngelBabies support group. I think we'll probably do that every year now. I really like including him like that. And we got the idea to get a stocking for Baelin and fill it with letters and pictures for him...save them in a box maybe, after Xmas...I think Maeven will really get into that...so I'm going to go find a temporary stocking for him...I'll eventually make him a cross-stitch one for him like everyone else's, but right now I'm still working on Maeven's (and that could take me years to finish, if history is any example of how long it takes me to do them, argh! LOL!)
Now an update on the Baelin info...I took Baelin's xrays to Dr. Kratzer (our pediatrician) last week to give them a look over. Waiting to hear from him on that, but yesterday at my OB appt, Dr. Mason (ob) told me he ran into Dr. K over the weekend and that he concurs with Dr. Curry (geneticist) on Baelin not having anything wrong with his bones...since this was after I gave him the xrays, I guess I already know now what he's going to say! :)
Also talked to the coroner's office, the deputy coroner, yesterday and found that they are the ones who have the placenta report. Dr. Curry wanted to look at that, but both her office and Dr. Mason's office were unable to find the report and were concluding that one was never made...which was really pissing me off because I was thinking "how can you have a stillbirth and not do a thorough examination of the placenta???" But when I asked Kelly (coroner's office) about it, she said that Dr. Gopal (coroner) had done the examination of it and that the report was there...so they are to ask for it after Xmas, when the coroner comes back. So that's settled, but I'm guessing there's nothing new to be found there, because I'm sure he would have mentioned already if he had seen anything in the placenta that suggested why Baelin died.
And lastly, about this pregnancy...I'm now 13weeks (today!) and so glad to have made it to the 2nd trimester! Feeling myself relaxing a little about it. Especially now that we don't have anything to worry about as far as that nasty bone disorder. Heard the baby's heartbeat yesterday so that was comforting...and finally feel my belly pooking out beyond my own pooch. Well, just hardening up mostly...nice to get rid of the main jiggle for awhile, though, lol! Been feeling occasional, very light movements off and on for a couple weeks...nice to be able to say for sure this time cuz I do know what it feels like so there's no doubt in my mind this time. Its comforting to finally have some signs of being pregnant...the darn first trimester was remarkably uneventful! What I wouldn't have given for a little morning sickness (nope, not one tiny bit did I get...very weird, I had a pretty constant low grade nausea throughout my other 3 pregnancies, but not a single minute of it this time) just to be comforted that I really was pregnant! But I guess I should just feel lucky. The only regular sign I had the entire 13 wks was frequent migraines....and earlier on I was very sleepy and tired, but that's long since gone away. Weird. This pregnancy has proven to be VERY different than my others.
We discussed at length yesterday with Dr. Mason what the new news of not knowing cause of death from Baelin would mean to this pregnancy and delivery. Since we have no idea why Baelin died, and since he did die, this of course means that we are wanting to be extra cautious next time. I still feel strongly that the homebirth had nothing to do with his death...and Dr. Mason says the same thing...these things happen in the hospital all the time...actually they happen MORE frequently in the hospital...but no one says "see, the baby died, so hospital births must be dangerous." So I think it would be ridiculous and uneducated, given that a thorough investigation has been done by multiple experts and not one of them can say why Baelin died, I think it would be so wrong to point the finger at the homebirth. And Jacque has done literally HUNDREDS & HUNDREDS of births in over 30years and is greatly respected throughout our local community, including by the very best OBs in town (including mine)...and in all her births she has frequently had decels (heart decelerations) just like Baelin's, even had them worse than Baelin's, and the baby is fine. I'm told by those who know that decels are normal for when the baby's skull is compressing and he/she is passing through the birth canal...so I don't at all think that there was anything that Jacque missed nor that she could have possibly known that something different should have been done. My birth with Baelin was so completely normal in so many ways...no one had any way of knowing the outcome would be so different.
Having said all that...we are definitely not doing another homebirth. Too many emotions involved, and given our recent history. I still am 100% supportive of homebirths...and I know that the vast majority of people choosing them are doing so because they have educated themselves fully and know that for normal, healthy births, with well trained and experienced midwives, you truly are safer at home, away from all the interventions and assembly line birthing. Whether or not a couple FEELS safe there, is another story. (I fully believe a woman should birth where she feels safest, of course.) Statistically, its simply safer at home, for normal births. I've done the research, I know this to be true. (There are SIGNIFICANTLY less complications and especially deaths that happen at home compared to all the highly tampered-with births in the hospital). And I know a LOT of people (hundreds if you count online friends...but tons of local friends as well) that have had wonderful homebirth experiences. Heck, in the hundreds and hundreds of births our midwife has done, we're the ONLY one (in over 30 years) that she's EVER lost! But we did not have a normal birth, obviously.
Anyway, Dr. Mason said if it was his choice, he would prefer me to have a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. To cut back on any possible risks, since we just don't know what caused Baelin's death. But he also said that if I want to attempt another vbac, he is ok with that. He's completely left it up to us, and I really appreciate that. I told him that I don't want to make any decisions right now. We'll wait til we are closer to the birth.
I did tell him, though, that right now there are only 2 options that I will consider: 1. Another all-natural vbac, with no interventions, drugs, whatsoever...except for the fetal monitoring, which I expect and understand will be necessary this time. I don't want anything increasing my risks, period. So I will not even discuss pitocin, epidural, or any other interventions. I know the risks, and they are not worth it to me. I've done it without anything before, and I can do it again. And option 2. C-section, either emergency or scheduled. I am leaning towards giving labor a try and see how the baby and I fare. We could always do a c-section if one of us isn't handling it well. I don't know how my emotions over Baelin might affect the next labor, so I'm not ruling out the possibility that it might hinder labor. But I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of a scheduled c-section. It just goes against everything I believe in and is not without risks. And it just seems so very wrong to choose your child's birthday. I did tell him, though, that if I did opt for a c-section, scheduled or emergency, that I want it on my terms. There are 3 things that I do NOT want to have happen this time and he has agreed, bless him.
1. I do NOT want to be strapped down in the Jesus crusifixion stance. I want at least one arm free.
2. I do NOT want to be injected with whatever they injected in me after Maeven was out that caused me to be loopy and fight to stay awake. I want to be alert and coherent.
3. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I do NOT, unless there is a REAL emergency, I do NOT want my baby taken away from me! I know it is possible to have your baby put immediately to the breast after a c-section and kept skin-to-skin with mom, and that's what I want. I know its been done locally, so I'm not asking for something totally bizarre. I told him that I know the baby needs to be observed after a c-section, but I want the baby observed WITH me, not away from me. With Maeven, they took her away for 2 hours and wouldn't let Adam hold her or comfort her...he was told she had to cry to get the fluid from her lungs...I've since learned this is a bunch of crap! That is so unnecessary for babies to go through and I will NOT allow another child of mine subjected to that abuse! If for some reason they need to do something with me and I cannot be with the baby, I want Adam to hold him/her the entire time (skin to skin if possible) until I am able to do so again.
My doctor knows how traumatized I was having to wait 2 hours to hold Maeven and how I still feel horrible about that being done to her...and that now, after having lost Baelin, I just really don't think I could handle another child taken from me...He has agreed we can work something out. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone forget this was agreed upon.
Thank heavens I have a wonderful OB. He really is wonderful. So caring and understanding. I am so glad to have found him. He really seemed to understand as I talked to him about all this.
Well, so that's it for now. I have Xmas shopping to do. I wanted to get this updated and up, and now I have! More to come, of course.
We had been talking about skipping our huge family Xmas and just going to the mountains to get away from everything and celebrate just the 3 of us, taking Maeven to the snow for the first time...but decided against that...originally for monetary reasons, but then at the last minute Adam talked to his boss and he said he'd pay for us to go...but I really wasn't feeling that gut wrenching feeling of not being able to cope with all the people on Xmas anymore...and Adam was back to wanting to be with his family. I went round and round for awhile, resenting the decision being on my shoulders and feeling the bad guy for threatening to break up the family...but then it just wasn't an issue anymore. I just didn't care so much anymore, so we came to a compromise which I feel pretty good about now. We're having people over here, to our house, this year. Usually we do his dad Xmas eve, then my dad's Xmas eve church service...then Xmas day we open our presents here and then run to my folks' house to open gifts with them and my brother, then down to Adam's mom's (30min away) to do the rest of his family....quite a marathon and I still don't feel up to all that this year...so it was a nice compromise to stay here and have anyone who wants to see us come here.
I'm still a bit stressed about getting the house ready and not entirely looking forward to all the numbers of people being here...but at the same time i'm very comforted to be in my own home and I know that I can just go into my bedroom or office to get away from it all if I need to. And I don't want to deprive Adam or Maeven of this.
As far as missing Baelin...it hasn't been first and foremost recently...probably because I've simply been too dang busy getting ready for the holiday...but I know its possible I might crash again soon, so I'm just allowing myself to realize that and just going to let whatever flow, flow. If it happens when Adam's family is here, I'll probably just go into another room and cry by myself and that will probably make me feel better. It usually does. Or I might come and write something here or in my journal. Writing always helps me.
Now, we are still going away, but we are doing it the day AFTER Xmas now. Adam's boss was so super kind and after I spent hours on the net yesterday trying to find a cabin or hotel room available at Shaver Lake for Sunday, Dec 27 (had one rude travel agent actually LAUGH at me when I asked...argh!) I finally found one that was available...we really lucked out! So we are going up there the day after Xmas, playing in the snow, staying the night, playing in the snow some more the next day, and then coming home. Its really something I'm looking forward to!
Now for Xmas here...we've done a few things to include Baelin...When Adam was putting up the lights, he strung them all around Baelin's little area on the hutch by the tree, where we have his momentos and pictures...he really wanted to include him in the decorations and it looks very pretty. We also recently made ceramic ornaments in memory of Baelin with our AngelBabies support group. I think we'll probably do that every year now. I really like including him like that. And we got the idea to get a stocking for Baelin and fill it with letters and pictures for him...save them in a box maybe, after Xmas...I think Maeven will really get into that...so I'm going to go find a temporary stocking for him...I'll eventually make him a cross-stitch one for him like everyone else's, but right now I'm still working on Maeven's (and that could take me years to finish, if history is any example of how long it takes me to do them, argh! LOL!)
Now an update on the Baelin info...I took Baelin's xrays to Dr. Kratzer (our pediatrician) last week to give them a look over. Waiting to hear from him on that, but yesterday at my OB appt, Dr. Mason (ob) told me he ran into Dr. K over the weekend and that he concurs with Dr. Curry (geneticist) on Baelin not having anything wrong with his bones...since this was after I gave him the xrays, I guess I already know now what he's going to say! :)
Also talked to the coroner's office, the deputy coroner, yesterday and found that they are the ones who have the placenta report. Dr. Curry wanted to look at that, but both her office and Dr. Mason's office were unable to find the report and were concluding that one was never made...which was really pissing me off because I was thinking "how can you have a stillbirth and not do a thorough examination of the placenta???" But when I asked Kelly (coroner's office) about it, she said that Dr. Gopal (coroner) had done the examination of it and that the report was there...so they are to ask for it after Xmas, when the coroner comes back. So that's settled, but I'm guessing there's nothing new to be found there, because I'm sure he would have mentioned already if he had seen anything in the placenta that suggested why Baelin died.
And lastly, about this pregnancy...I'm now 13weeks (today!) and so glad to have made it to the 2nd trimester! Feeling myself relaxing a little about it. Especially now that we don't have anything to worry about as far as that nasty bone disorder. Heard the baby's heartbeat yesterday so that was comforting...and finally feel my belly pooking out beyond my own pooch. Well, just hardening up mostly...nice to get rid of the main jiggle for awhile, though, lol! Been feeling occasional, very light movements off and on for a couple weeks...nice to be able to say for sure this time cuz I do know what it feels like so there's no doubt in my mind this time. Its comforting to finally have some signs of being pregnant...the darn first trimester was remarkably uneventful! What I wouldn't have given for a little morning sickness (nope, not one tiny bit did I get...very weird, I had a pretty constant low grade nausea throughout my other 3 pregnancies, but not a single minute of it this time) just to be comforted that I really was pregnant! But I guess I should just feel lucky. The only regular sign I had the entire 13 wks was frequent migraines....and earlier on I was very sleepy and tired, but that's long since gone away. Weird. This pregnancy has proven to be VERY different than my others.
We discussed at length yesterday with Dr. Mason what the new news of not knowing cause of death from Baelin would mean to this pregnancy and delivery. Since we have no idea why Baelin died, and since he did die, this of course means that we are wanting to be extra cautious next time. I still feel strongly that the homebirth had nothing to do with his death...and Dr. Mason says the same thing...these things happen in the hospital all the time...actually they happen MORE frequently in the hospital...but no one says "see, the baby died, so hospital births must be dangerous." So I think it would be ridiculous and uneducated, given that a thorough investigation has been done by multiple experts and not one of them can say why Baelin died, I think it would be so wrong to point the finger at the homebirth. And Jacque has done literally HUNDREDS & HUNDREDS of births in over 30years and is greatly respected throughout our local community, including by the very best OBs in town (including mine)...and in all her births she has frequently had decels (heart decelerations) just like Baelin's, even had them worse than Baelin's, and the baby is fine. I'm told by those who know that decels are normal for when the baby's skull is compressing and he/she is passing through the birth canal...so I don't at all think that there was anything that Jacque missed nor that she could have possibly known that something different should have been done. My birth with Baelin was so completely normal in so many ways...no one had any way of knowing the outcome would be so different.
Having said all that...we are definitely not doing another homebirth. Too many emotions involved, and given our recent history. I still am 100% supportive of homebirths...and I know that the vast majority of people choosing them are doing so because they have educated themselves fully and know that for normal, healthy births, with well trained and experienced midwives, you truly are safer at home, away from all the interventions and assembly line birthing. Whether or not a couple FEELS safe there, is another story. (I fully believe a woman should birth where she feels safest, of course.) Statistically, its simply safer at home, for normal births. I've done the research, I know this to be true. (There are SIGNIFICANTLY less complications and especially deaths that happen at home compared to all the highly tampered-with births in the hospital). And I know a LOT of people (hundreds if you count online friends...but tons of local friends as well) that have had wonderful homebirth experiences. Heck, in the hundreds and hundreds of births our midwife has done, we're the ONLY one (in over 30 years) that she's EVER lost! But we did not have a normal birth, obviously.
Anyway, Dr. Mason said if it was his choice, he would prefer me to have a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. To cut back on any possible risks, since we just don't know what caused Baelin's death. But he also said that if I want to attempt another vbac, he is ok with that. He's completely left it up to us, and I really appreciate that. I told him that I don't want to make any decisions right now. We'll wait til we are closer to the birth.
I did tell him, though, that right now there are only 2 options that I will consider: 1. Another all-natural vbac, with no interventions, drugs, whatsoever...except for the fetal monitoring, which I expect and understand will be necessary this time. I don't want anything increasing my risks, period. So I will not even discuss pitocin, epidural, or any other interventions. I know the risks, and they are not worth it to me. I've done it without anything before, and I can do it again. And option 2. C-section, either emergency or scheduled. I am leaning towards giving labor a try and see how the baby and I fare. We could always do a c-section if one of us isn't handling it well. I don't know how my emotions over Baelin might affect the next labor, so I'm not ruling out the possibility that it might hinder labor. But I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of a scheduled c-section. It just goes against everything I believe in and is not without risks. And it just seems so very wrong to choose your child's birthday. I did tell him, though, that if I did opt for a c-section, scheduled or emergency, that I want it on my terms. There are 3 things that I do NOT want to have happen this time and he has agreed, bless him.
1. I do NOT want to be strapped down in the Jesus crusifixion stance. I want at least one arm free.
2. I do NOT want to be injected with whatever they injected in me after Maeven was out that caused me to be loopy and fight to stay awake. I want to be alert and coherent.
3. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I do NOT, unless there is a REAL emergency, I do NOT want my baby taken away from me! I know it is possible to have your baby put immediately to the breast after a c-section and kept skin-to-skin with mom, and that's what I want. I know its been done locally, so I'm not asking for something totally bizarre. I told him that I know the baby needs to be observed after a c-section, but I want the baby observed WITH me, not away from me. With Maeven, they took her away for 2 hours and wouldn't let Adam hold her or comfort her...he was told she had to cry to get the fluid from her lungs...I've since learned this is a bunch of crap! That is so unnecessary for babies to go through and I will NOT allow another child of mine subjected to that abuse! If for some reason they need to do something with me and I cannot be with the baby, I want Adam to hold him/her the entire time (skin to skin if possible) until I am able to do so again.
My doctor knows how traumatized I was having to wait 2 hours to hold Maeven and how I still feel horrible about that being done to her...and that now, after having lost Baelin, I just really don't think I could handle another child taken from me...He has agreed we can work something out. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone forget this was agreed upon.
Thank heavens I have a wonderful OB. He really is wonderful. So caring and understanding. I am so glad to have found him. He really seemed to understand as I talked to him about all this.
Well, so that's it for now. I have Xmas shopping to do. I wanted to get this updated and up, and now I have! More to come, of course.
posted by Tina at 7:46 AM
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