Today Baelin would have been 4

As I sit here typing, with my 2.5yr old and my 7yr old playing happily nearby, watching pbs...still in our pjs, still waking up...I don't really know how to feel. I am sad, of course. I wish it hadn't been this way with Baelin. I wish our family never had to suffer such a huge loss. But at the same time I have to remind myself that without losing Baelin we wouldn't have Tyren:

(Poor little bugger has a cold right now, so this is his weak, red/snotty nosed smile this morning.)

I am really glad that BabyFest ended before Baelin's birthday this year...so that I can have the day to think of Baelin. It seriously sucked last year because of it being crunch time for BabyFest and I just didn't have time to think anything other than being guilty that I couldn't stop to think about him! This year, BabyFest was last Saturday and I'm trying to get back to life as normal (whatever that is), and I can sit here and think of Baelin.

Its hard, though, to think of a baby that you didn't have much of any time with. I did have the in-utero time, but that was all me wondering what he'd be like...and wishing he wouldn't make me feel so uncomfortable! I was really looking forward to meeting him...to just have that taken from me was devastating. I will never shake the pain in my heart from all that we went through that horrible morning 4 years ago. It still haunts me and always will, I suppose.

Of course it gets better...you can't feel that much pain that intensely forever. It dulls and I don't think of him every single day anymore...which also makes me sad but also relieved at the same time, if that makes any sense. And guilt always comes into play. Mommyhood just seems to be all about guilt. I feel guilty about so many things every single day! I feel like I am screwing up left and right constantly. And I probably am.

I can say "I'm doing the best that I can"...but really, am I? How does anyone really truly do the BEST they can, all the time? Just doesn't seem human. Sure, at times...but all the time? That would be simply exhausting! I make good and bad choices all the time. And I beat myself up constantly for the bad ones. And I berate my children for making bad choices. And I try to change that cycle.

I have to comfort myself in the stuff I do right...I occasionally get it right, I think...I feel like I'm doing right by Maeven by homeschooling her...but then I feel like I am always needing to do better at it...I feel I'm doing right by Tyren by teaching him sensitivity and not the macho garbage that our society pushes on little boys...I would have taught this to Baelin as well. *sigh*

Tyren just came over to me and softly "read" to me out of Daddy's paperback book (a sci-fi, I think): "Once upon a time, there was a baby. The end." LOL! Too cute! Wonder if that was supposed to mean something? Him saying that to me, just as I'm thinking of the baby I lost. Probably shouldn't think too much into that.

I'm babbling because I don't know what to write about Baelin. There isn't much to remember. He was with us so short.

I still have Baelin's "shrine" set up in the hutch in the living room. And his picture on the wall, with the other children's (one newborn pic of each of my kids, in a row). That's all I have.

I haven't watched his birth video. I still don't feel ready for that. I'm afraid of how it will make me feel. I'm afraid of the intensity of emotions it might evoke. I don't want to sink into that pit of despair again. I want to watch it someday...just not sure when.

I don't know what Baelin's life and death was supposed to teach us. Everyone says there's a purpose to bad things like this...damned if I know what it is...I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I could do without being this strong.

Adam has suggested getting a cake this year in honor of Baelin's birthday. I guess we might do that...since the garden is trashed (long story, but it got flooded last year and we need to build a wall behind it to keep it from flooding the big room behind it, so we haven't tended to it in ages since we haven't gotten around to working on that.) I plan to replant the whole thing...but just can't get that project going. I hope Baelin understands. He has to know that his Mommy and Daddy are horrid gardeners. We're sorry, baby. We will replant for you and you'll have a lovely garden again, you will.

I don't know what else to think or feel right now...I need to get back to Maeven and Tyren. Oh, here's a pic of Maeven I just took:

I had to put a current pic of her in here too...for those of you that haven't seen her in awhile. :)

I love you Baelin. I always will. And I'll always miss you.