today you would be 6
i really am at a loss for words as i start this. have spent much of today feeling guilty that i don't want to be sad today and therefore don't want to dwell on you and your short life, my dear sweet baelin. we did (your dad, sister and brother and i) spend the first half of the day working on a new memorial garden for you. the previous one still needs some extra work to make it safe for the room that it flooded, so friends of mine suggested the other planter...so we started working (my friends and i) on deweeding it on friday to be able to plant flowers in it eventually for you. daddy and i worked some more on cleaning it up today. there's really a ton of weeds in there so we are not entirely certain how this is going to work, but its looking much better and we will keep working on it until we can get it completed.
every year i think that i should watch the video of your birth and/or listen to the cd song that i played at your memorial. but i can't bring myself to do either. i know both will so shake me up and bring me to uncontrollable tears that i just cannot do either. it actually upsets me to even SEE either of these things on the shelf/drawer, that i just know i cannot do it. not yet. maybe some day.
back when the pain was still so fresh, i did torture myself regularly with listening to that song...but i needed to cry back then. i still could never bring myself to watch that video though. i don't know how daddy did it, i really don't. but he made it into a dvd and i know he must have had to look at some of it in the process.
i thought as time went on that it would get easier but it really doesn't. sure, the immediate raw pain is gone...and life goes on and i spend so much time with all the busyness of my life that i don't stop to feel the pain so much anymore...but its always there...just waiting for me to remember it. to remember you.
i HATE with every fiber in my being that this happened. i'm angry that it happened. i'm angry that all of us had to go through this pain. i'm angry that we didn't even get a chance to know you. i'm angry that your sister had to go through watching us all go through this and not really understanding it (she was only 3 and a half)...
i hate also that there are people that would look at your birth and use it as proof that having babies at home is risky. i know that its not. where you were born/died is completely irrelevant and had nothing to do with it. but i hate that there are those that would think it was our fault for taking such a "risk." i know this just isn't true but i hate that others think and feel it. it really kills me. i have to turn off my brain sometimes and try to just remember that i cannot control how others think. but i hate that this could even be an issue.
anyway, i did think of you today, baby. i'm sorry that i cannot handle thinking of you more...but i am at a place where i am starting to just not want to remind myself of all that pain. i'm sure you understand. i won't put away your pictures (the few that we have)...but i just cannot handle diving into all that pain again. i know that your birthday is a good time for it...but i just don't feel up to it these days.
they say grieving goes through stages...i don't know if this is another stage i'm in now...
but i do think of you, you know i do, and i do still love you and miss you of course. wishing you weren't gone. wishing it could all be so different...and remembering too that without losing you we probably wouldn't have tyren. doesn't help a lot, but it does a little. of course i know that we just wouldn't know that we missed out on him...but i know who he is now, so i wouldn't wish to not know him for anything in the world. and yet i still wish i could have known you, of course.
i'm just not in a place right now to be very inspiring and thoughtful about your life/death. i hate it. it sucks. i wish it hadn't happened. i wish our family wasn't forever changed by this.
but i do love you. always.
every year i think that i should watch the video of your birth and/or listen to the cd song that i played at your memorial. but i can't bring myself to do either. i know both will so shake me up and bring me to uncontrollable tears that i just cannot do either. it actually upsets me to even SEE either of these things on the shelf/drawer, that i just know i cannot do it. not yet. maybe some day.
back when the pain was still so fresh, i did torture myself regularly with listening to that song...but i needed to cry back then. i still could never bring myself to watch that video though. i don't know how daddy did it, i really don't. but he made it into a dvd and i know he must have had to look at some of it in the process.
i thought as time went on that it would get easier but it really doesn't. sure, the immediate raw pain is gone...and life goes on and i spend so much time with all the busyness of my life that i don't stop to feel the pain so much anymore...but its always there...just waiting for me to remember it. to remember you.
i HATE with every fiber in my being that this happened. i'm angry that it happened. i'm angry that all of us had to go through this pain. i'm angry that we didn't even get a chance to know you. i'm angry that your sister had to go through watching us all go through this and not really understanding it (she was only 3 and a half)...
i hate also that there are people that would look at your birth and use it as proof that having babies at home is risky. i know that its not. where you were born/died is completely irrelevant and had nothing to do with it. but i hate that there are those that would think it was our fault for taking such a "risk." i know this just isn't true but i hate that others think and feel it. it really kills me. i have to turn off my brain sometimes and try to just remember that i cannot control how others think. but i hate that this could even be an issue.
anyway, i did think of you today, baby. i'm sorry that i cannot handle thinking of you more...but i am at a place where i am starting to just not want to remind myself of all that pain. i'm sure you understand. i won't put away your pictures (the few that we have)...but i just cannot handle diving into all that pain again. i know that your birthday is a good time for it...but i just don't feel up to it these days.
they say grieving goes through stages...i don't know if this is another stage i'm in now...
but i do think of you, you know i do, and i do still love you and miss you of course. wishing you weren't gone. wishing it could all be so different...and remembering too that without losing you we probably wouldn't have tyren. doesn't help a lot, but it does a little. of course i know that we just wouldn't know that we missed out on him...but i know who he is now, so i wouldn't wish to not know him for anything in the world. and yet i still wish i could have known you, of course.
i'm just not in a place right now to be very inspiring and thoughtful about your life/death. i hate it. it sucks. i wish it hadn't happened. i wish our family wasn't forever changed by this.
but i do love you. always.
posted by Tina at 11:40 PM
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